You Are Not Alone
If I am going to be really honest, first to myself and then to you, I would have to tell you that belonging in community has been something I have longed for my entire adult life. Whether you are 5, 15, 25 or 55 you know the horrible feeling of being left out, not being accepted or not fitting in.
When I was in my early 20’s and newly married I asked a friend I had known in high school if my husband and I could join her small group at church. She didn’t skip a beat when she replied that their group was full. Rejection stings, you know this if you have experienced it, and if you haven’t I hope you lean in a little extra as you continue to read.
Did you know belonging to a community is a basic, survival need?
Until recently I didn’t. I really pride myself in being independent and really resonate with the Little Red Hen in the popular story book by the same name. The hen says, after asking for help and being denied, “I will do it myself!” The idea that I need people to survive came as a surprise, or maybe it didn’t.
I have found we enter most of our relationships with a what can I get out of this kind of mentality. I do think this is more of a subconscious thought and we mostly don’t realize we are doing this. Whether it is friendships, business relationships, or volunteer opportunities, when we consider if we are going to engage further a lot of our thinking is based in questions like;
How does this person make me feel, do I click with them?
Is this volunteer opportunity a place where I can do what I am good at and gifted in?
Is this a good use of my time?
Will this professional relationship move my business forward?
I am not saying these are unreasonable or even negative questions to ask ourselves. But what I do want us to recognize is that often our default as humans is to enter into a relationship thinking first about what we will get out of it.
Relationships that are geared more toward what one receives instead of what one can give are at risk of being unhealthy, even manipulative or exploitative. If we are looking to our relationships to meet our needs or make us feel good about ourselves, not only will we most likely be disappointed (because human beings can’t really meet our deep needs) we are also using other people to get what we want instead of seeing how we can serve and give.
You might be wondering where we go to get what we need if we aren’t meant to look at each other. That really is a different conversation for a different day but I believe we need to look at the truth of our worth and value found in our Creator God and what he says about our immense value.
If I feel confident in who I am then I can enter relationships not looking for how the other person or organization can best serve me but how I can serve them or how we can truly partner together. If I am rooted in confidence in who I am then I can be flexible with my relationships knowing they ebb and flow and aren’t reflective on me.
Coming to our relationships with an attitude of generosity allows us to see a bigger picture for those around us, and for ourselves. In my experience, the most rewarding relationships are ones where generosity and grace is the foundation, where I am not looking for what I can get but what I can give.
We can find belonging more wholly in generous relationships, when our confidence isn’t coming from others. And not only can we find it for ourselves, but we can also create it for others: making spaces where people are welcome, loved unconditionally, and authentically desired.
I hope here in this community you find generosity and belonging. You will never find a “full” sign hung here. This is a community of generous relationships, where we champion, encourage, and support each other.