Growing through the Depths

The word “depth” has a few different explanations of what it means. In one definition it can mean “the distance from the top or surface to the bottom of something.” It can also mean “the quality of being intense.”

My days were busy, my life chaotic, and then… I got pregnant. I realized then that I needed to go to the depths of my pain in order to confront and move beyond  everything that it affected in my life. The journey, still continuing years later; has been the most  intense, emotional, heartbreaking, restorative experience I could have ever allowed myself to go through. Here are the Top 5 things I learned through this ongoing process: 

1. Vulnerability

Being vulnerable in allowing myself to go to the places of trauma I never wanted to go was really difficult and yet really rewarding. I have one person, who knows the depths of what my experiences were and how I was left. However, it did not come naturally. I needed a lot of reassurance. It is nice to be able to be myself, whether that is happy, sad, triggered, angry, melancholy; it’s all okay. The more I practice vulnerability with one person, the more I am able to begin expanding to others. The walls didn’t take long to be built around my heart and mind, but slowly they are toppling over.  

2. Resilience

Before I believed only a few people were resilient. I never saw myself as resilient until I began verbalizing my experiences and realizing that the impact could have skewed my entire outlook on the world around me. Yet, by God’s grace, I am slowly springing back into shape. Resilience is like a rubber band, you can pull it and stretch it but it will always spring back into shape.  

3. Community

My community is not the biggest as far as quantity and everyone in my community has a different level of relationship but as a whole, I don’t think I’d be able to go to the depths without all their support. There are some people in my circle who know all the details of what I experienced, there are some that know surface level details and then there are a few in the middle. Some people within my community are the kind of people I tell “let’s go out and have dinner to get out of my head!” Those individuals are just as necessary as the ones who know all the details. Community has helped me to go to the depths of my story. 

4. Trust

Okay. Okay… Not going to lie, this is still an ongoing one for me. My desire is to trust those around me and to start opening up more. However, it has taken years of going  to the depths of my experiences to trust the handful of people who are part of that  community. Daily, I trust God to lead and guide me. To mold me and make me more like Himself but even that relationship has been rocky. Do I whole-heartedly trust the God of the universe? I had to process it, work through it, come to terms and confess the hurt and shame and pain that I felt. Trust, in myself, my community, and God might not come easy but it is very important!

5. Worth

I am worthy. I am worthy to get up in the morning and take care of personal hygiene. I am worthy of love and relationships and healing and joy. I did not always believe I was worthy and there are long lasting effects to that belief however, today, I can identify those things and speak truth into the lie. I can take responsibility for how I treated my body and choose today to proceed differently than I would have in the past. This is growing!

May you see yourself as God sees you. May you go through the pain of the journey because I am here to tell you, it is worth it! You are worth it! May you find comfort in  community and see yourself worthy enough to overcome the lies you have believed.